A Look Into AP Language at PHS

In order to hone their writing voices, students in the AP Language class recently wrote reviews on a topic of their choice in the style of John Green’s The Anthropocene Reviewed. Here is one of the essays:

Groundhog’s Day
Groundhog’s Day: the ultimate celebration of time, cycles, and existential curiosity. Every year, Americans in the snowy states wait with anticipation to see if the icon, the living legend wrapped in fur, Punxsutawney Phil, will predict an early spring, or 6 more weeks of winter. In my opinion, Phil couldn’t predict his way out of a paper bag, but who am I to say a nationwide celebrity is wrong. But overall, Groundhog’s Day is a perfect example of humans trying to predict the future, and the inevitable letdowns of when said predictions don’t match with actuality.
The Original Groundhog’s Day took place on February 2nd of 1887, where “townspeople of Punxsutawney set out to Gobbler’s Knob, also known as Phil’s place of residence. According to German lore, if a “hedgehog saw his shadow on Candlemas Day”, there would be another “6 weeks of Winter”(“Groundhog Day facts: Phil, the badger, the elixir”). When the German Settlers immigrated to the United States, the absence of hedgehogs led them to utilize the crusty land beavers, I mean groundhogs, as a substitute for their tradition. But that ground rat Phil still managed to rise to stardom, from dinner plate to pedestal. Oh, did I forget to mention that, after Phil “ate” with his prediction, the townspeople ate Phil. This terrible early 19th century twist led to tenderized groundhog being the “special local dish” in each year’s “Groundhog Picnic” (Andrew). But Phil left the menu after the townsfolk “realized his worth”, naming him after “King Philip”, but the one that he named is still unclear.
With this considerably wacked backstory, I have one burning question- How is old saggy Phil still kickin’? In the wild, “the longest a groundhog can live is about 6 years”, with the “average being 2-3” (Lynn). While groundhogs in captivity “can live up to 14 years”, that still does not come close to Phil’s supposed age of 139. Two highly credible sources — my esteemed friends, Emma and Gwyn — along with myself, are of the firm belief that the groundhog known as Phil is not, in fact, the original Phil, but rather a series of impostors who have used their familial legacy to maintain their hold on the crown. This theory, which has caused considerable opposition by some folk, mirrors that of the so-called Vermont conspiracy. After thoughtful discussions with my sources, we reached the conclusion that, if Vermont is indeed a legitimate entity, then Phil could very well outlast us all. Furthermore, we can affirm that Patrick Dempsey is certainly not too old for me. Of course, upon further rational reflection, all of these claims are entirely false. This is yet another example of dissatisfaction derived from the failure to predict the future. My sincerest apologies, Patrick. I will see you in my dreams.

You may ask why I have been ever so subtly hinting at my mild dislike for a certain famous groundhog, and that is because I used to be a believer. People wake up hours before sunrise just to catch a glimpse of Phil in his big moment, and half my lifetime ago, I was one of them. The night before February 2nd, many years ago, I asked my mom to wake me up a little bit earlier than normal before school, so I could see if Phil saw his shadow or not. My birthday just so happens to fall in the 6 weeks after Groundhog’s Day, so I was hoping that I could have my birthday party outside. So you could imagine my excitement when that good for nothing groundhog predicted an early spring. Well, fast forward a few weeks later, and surprise surprise, that oversized ground squirrel got it wrong! My 8-year-old self was beyond disappointed when spring in fact did not come early, and that my outdoor birthday party had to be moved inside due to the cold winter temperatures. I will never again exit my peaceful slumber before 7 am just to see the hog of the hole get the prediction wrong again. I do not care if that stupid ground rat sees the light of day, let alone his shadow, ever, again. This further backs the idea that humans are unable to predict the future, and inventing more false theories or stories that claim they can is just a waste of time for everyone involved, as it just ends disappointment, especially for those of us who put all of our faith in a morbidly obese sewer rat at a young age. And for this reason alone, I rate Phil a 1/5, but Groundhog’s day in general, a 2.7/5, but only because I’m feeling generous in my adult, mature manner.
Works Cited
Andrew, Scottie. “The bizarre history of Groundhog Day and Punxsutawney Phil.” CNN, 1 February 2023, https://www.cnn.com/2023/02/01/us/groundhog-day-weird-history-punxsutawney-phil-cec/index.html. Accessed 27 February 2025.
DeRose, Christopher, and Chris DeRose. “What’s the legend behind Punxsutawney Phil? Groundhog Club Inner Circle president explains.” CBS News, 1 February 2025, https://www.cbsnews.com/pittsburgh/news/legend-behind-punxsutawney-phil-groundhog-day/. Accessed 27 February 2025.
“Groundhog Day facts: Phil, the badger, the elixir.” USA Today, 30 January 2015, https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/01/30/groundhog-day-facts-punxsutawney-phil/22587017/. Accessed 27 February 2025.
Lynn, Abigail. “Groundhogs Fact Sheet | Blog | Nature.” PBS, 29 January 2020, https://www.pbs.org/wnet/nature/blog/groundhogs-facts/. Accessed 27 February 2025.